DISCOVER HOW TO BUILD THE RETAIL STORE
“Trade your expectation for appreciation and the world changes instantlyTrade your expectation for appreciation and the world changes instantly"
- Listen to Jasmin's story about childhood [06:41]
- Can perfect childhood be one of the reasons to find the perfect partner [11:49]
- As parents, we all often flow against decade, how to deal with that [27:07]
Salena: Hey there, and welcome to this week's episode of the bringing business to retail podcast, today's guest is Jasmin Terrany and she is going to challenge your beliefs and your thoughts on motherhood parenting work-life balance and even success is all of this actually possible welcome to the show Jasmin.
Jasmin: Hello, thank you so much for having me.
Salena: No, problem thanks for coming on, I have to say that the whole work-life balance it's one of these topics that we are always trying to cover, everybody's got their own opinion and I know that you have been through a lot and you've just written a book that is going to help mums you know to kind of balance it all out and have it all. So, tell us a little bit about how these stories started, how did you end up writing this book, but that's now what was then how did you get to this point in your life?
Jasmin: Okay, you ready for the story?
Salena: I'm ready.
Jasmin: All right. Well, so I grew up in a home that I think was pretty far from the ordinary my friends used to lovingly call it Willy Wonka's factory. So, the mailbox was shaped like a big pink heart there was purple trim around the border of the house every post on the walkway going up to the front door and every cabinet in the kitchen was a different pastel color and there were wall hangings of hearts and ice cream and hot pink leather couches and illuminated signs of love and it was just this home of warmth and fun and ease and welcomes and everyone was happy to be there and it was really the representation of my mom's inner space. Essentially, she was highly tuned in very spiritual meditated an hour a day and she just was a being of light and love in every way and you know she really created this environment of consciousness of love of openness and she was lucky that my dad got on board, so she was definitely the pilot. He was the copilot of this whole endeavor.
Salena: It sounds like the perfect childhood the perfect year growing up scenario the whole leave It to Beaver.
Jasmin: I mean to be honest, it was pretty perfect and I think that on some level I felt a little guilty about it and a little undeserving and unworthy that I was aware of how rare it was and you know it wasn't just all ice cream and hot fudge. There was a lot of depth, there was an openness, there was listening, there was conscious communication. I mean I could count on one hand the amount of times that someone raised voice in my home you know. So, I was aware that it was rare and I think that I didn't want to make other people uncomfortable for the fact that it was so unique, but of all the you know I've been to almost sixty different countries and I've been in private practice for ten years plus and I've had you know plethora of relationships and friends and experiences that I've never actually come across anyone who parented with the same intention and ease and love and clarity as I was parented so.
Salena: There you said a little bit earlier that you didn't think that you were worthy of this love, how does a child think that like I don't know it just makes me wonder when you're a kid you have no fear, you have no preconceptions, you have no got no expectations. So, what made you think inside that you weren't worthy for this amazing childhood?
Jasmin: Perhaps wasn't so young that I was a more reflective phase when my friends would come over and you know it was a lot of oh my god yours parents are so cool and I wish you know my mom would sit and chat with my girlfriends until late at night you know there was kind of this I didn't want to make people jealous you know and mourn my adolescent of all the people who were struggling with their parents in the end, I wasn't you know I was having the opposite experience where everyone wanted to live in my home and have my parents.
Salena: So, you had kind of the perfect life, did it all just continue to glide along all television style from there?
Jasmin: that's a good question, so yes and no I mean, so just to back up a little bit on the perfect life I think that one thing that got me into this field was that although I grew up in this beautiful love bubble. I also didn't quite know what to do with my pain because I was you know we traveled we would go to foreign countries and sleep in the villages with the tribal people with no running water like I was aware of what was going on in the world and it really gave me a deeper sense of gratitude. I think that unworthiness component that we're talking about is I was aware of how the world lived and that was part of my parents intention and raising us. But I just forgot your question.
Salena: I said did it all glide along perfectly like did you end up we are from the perfect childhood to found the perfect partner and you got married and had beautiful kid.
Jasmin: oh, so my point was that because I did grow up in this kind of positive world that I didn't quite know what to do with my negativity my pain, my uncomfortable feelings, my you know self-doubt and all these things I didn't really know what to do with those because I felt like I shouldn't feel those feelings. So, you know through a lot of my own inner work and becoming a fair pissed was about embracing the darkness too and embracing all of the challenges that come from just existing and being human and realizing you know how it doesn't necessarily have to do with your circumstances, you can still feel differently on the inside. So, a lot of the tools that I developed as a therapist have been around embracing that duality in that full human experience and understanding that the darkness is where the learning happens and the light is where the Joey happens and that we both of them are really integral in our human experience. So, you know I did a lot of that deeper work as I you know was going through my early twenties and becoming a therapist and through working with my clients and then you know I had a really pivotal day, when my mom was on her way to meet me for lunch she was on the west coast of Florida and I was here in Miami and she was driving across the state to come meet me for the weekend and she never showed up and essentially you know I was calling my dad have you heard from her, what what's going on and we're calling her and she's not answering and we're calling the U.S Highway Patrol to find out what if there was an accident we found out that there had been there had been a fatal head-on collision someone lost control of the car was going south and no further information was available and you know then your mind starts wandering oh my god what could it be and then I got that call and it was my dad and screaming sobbing like my wife is dead take me with you. I want to die and I'm screaming and he is screaming and he is driving and I think he's gonna kill himself and I just found out that my mom was dead and I get him to pull over this car and I call his friends and find him on the side of the road it was just a really needless to say bursts to my bubble actually and so, it was a really horrific terrible moment day everything and you know after I hung up with him and he was okay. I kind of had this moment where I was by myself and you know digesting this news and I was at the time living on the ocean and I'm looking out the window and I'm seeing this it was this beautiful sunny day and the Sun was kind of kissing the waves you know and it was kind of glittery and dancing and I had this piece as tears of pouring down my cheeks and I kind of heard this voice where there was my inner voice or it's her voice or something. But there was just this voice saying you know it's okay you're gonna be okay you're the mommy now and it was a big moment for me to realize that she was gone and that this was my next chapter of life you know and that now the time to grow up now it was the time to use all these tools that I've been given and now's the time to grow in ways that I've never grown before.
Salena: I can imagine that must have been so devastating I can hear the emotion in your voice right now and through all of these you had a little baby and you were also pregnant as well.
Jasmin: Although I wasn't pregnant at the time, I just kind of had a one-year-old son.
Jasmin: Um, so yeah, I mean it was devastating and you know my mom like I said was highly spiritual, so you know she was meditating with us when we were kids before bed every night and mortality was like a common conversation. I knew her thoughts and feelings about death and dying and that everyone either her funeral had to wear bright colors and eat ice cream and celebrate her life like there was a lot of I think part of why she lived so fully was that there was a mortality was very close to the surface. There was an awareness that there are no guarantees in life and so, anyway because she was of this nature and so, plugged in as I like to say you know there's all these synchronicities that I have to believe aren't just by accident, but you know she died at mile marker sixty-four at age sixty-four was the week before her sixty-fifth birthday and we had a surprise birthday party planned for her sixty-fifth birthday and there's fifty people who were booked to come on a cruise all of us together for her sixty-fifth birthday and it ended up being her funeral her sixty-fifth birthday was her funeral and everyone was already booked to be there.
Jasmin: Yeah, and so you know that on top of you know then the following year was just obviously the most traumatic year of my life, I was managing having a one-year-old child a marriage or house renovation my private practice my devastated father you know just all of it and it was really the first time that I had to utilize all these skills that I had been preaching and teaching over the years and I was really reaffirmed to be honest that I did have all the tools and my tool belts to deal with my pain and my suffering and I was making time to grieve and feel and go through all of all the ups and downs and ins and outs of it and you know crying every day and feeling kind of the depth of pain that I had never experienced before and then you know I got pregnant and it was actually on the anniversary of my mom's death one full revolution around the Sun after she died. I started feeling some rumbles in my tummy and I told my husband I think today is the day and he didn't believe me and I went out to go do something and all of a sudden, I started having contractions and I went home you know I had a home birth in the bathtub for both of my children I went home in time to fill up the tub and within an hour the dual of the Midwife everyone came and I gave birth to my baby girl on the anniversary of my mom's death.
Salena: Wow, I can't imagine what kind of bittersweet moment that must have been for you.
Jasmin: Yeah, it was super powerful and you know she had always talked about people who had passed who could connect by flickering lights, I mean she was into all of this stuff you know she like I said she was giving me books about it since I was ten years old. So, when my daughter was born, all of the lights in the room started flickering and we actually called my dad because he I had told him that I was going into labor and I had him and start driving to us and he was driving to us on that road where she had died and when I called him to tell him that his granddaughter was born he pulled over the car and disbelief because he was at mile marker sixty-four when he found out that she was born.
Salena: We love a little bit of woo woo on this show, you have to celebrate the woo woo you know what to be honest you can believe it or not believe it, but it just makes life so much better when you do and I think that there's so many things in this life that eventually people prove that you can't you know the earth is flat gravity you know the fact that I'm talking to you in Australia right now, there's so many things that we don't actually understand with our minds, but yet our facts you know and so, I feel like if anybody was gonna be letting us know that there's more to this life than we realize it would have been her. So, there's actually one more big part to this story.
Salena: One more woo woo, paced tell us.
Jasmin: Yeah, you got it.
Jasmin: Okay, so it just me and my brother about a few months before my daughter was born a few months before this anniversary, he tells me he says well first of all he was twenty-nine at the time he went to Harvard he was a government major like it didn't make sense for him to become a film producer, but he did and he tells me jazz you'll never believe this my movie he made a movie got into Sundance Film Festival. Now for those of you who aren't aware a Sundance Film Festival is a super big deal there's like twenty thousand people apply two hundred get in it's really big deal and then he tells me you know, so I'm super excited oh my god how amazing whatever you know that type of reaction then he goes no, but you'll never believe this. The Sundance Film Festival begins on January twenty second 2016, on the anniversary of my mom's death, the day my daughter is born Sundance Film Festival began and then my brother's movie won Sundance Film Festival with the largest grossing movie contract in Sundance history.
Salena: You said it before and we have to kind of put it out there, it's just easier if you believe that sometimes things in life are just meant to be okay.
Jasmin: Yeah, I don't know if it's easier sometimes it's harder because your mind wants to say no, but it definitely makes life more beautiful when you're looking for things to prove that there is a deeper meaning and there's a deeper purpose and there's a deeper something going on and so, quite frankly you know that day was a real big turning point for me and when you talk about where did this book come from and this book started pouring through me and it was this revelation that I had that this upbringing in this world that I came from and his mother that I had as this undeserving feeling that I had felt, what I realized was not only did I deserve it, but that all children deserve it and that her leaving was my gift and was my opportunity to share and to find the courage to share because before I didn't feel like I needed to and so, this book just kind of came through me and it was more at the beginning just for me you know through my whole healing process, but also to just kind of as a new mother you know of two little ones that was bottling kind of all the ten core practices that were the foundation of my home and so, that I would have it so that I wouldn't forget it so that I had this kind of to come back to when times were hard and then I realized hey, I bet this is really beneficial to any mother and so, then I had to figure out how to make it and package it and make it available to the rest of you. So, you're welcome.
Salena: So, we probably don't have time to go into all of those ten core practices, but just how about you tell us what they are and maybe we can jump in and talk to talk about a couple of them.
Jasmin: Have to remember them all off hand okay, you know they kind of go little chronologically through Parenthood but the first one is about embracing change learning how to understand when we're in transitions and kind of the insecurities that arise when we're in transitions and how to be open to the process of going with the flow when you're used to more routine or more predictable scenarios in life I should they'll get the book. So, I can actually give you other chapters.
Salena: Maybe the ones that just pop out to you because I guess at the end of the day people are already getting an understanding of the kinds of things that you would talk about from your story and from your life. So, how about we just go with the whoo and the ones that pop up to you maybe the top three that pop into your brain other ones we'll chat about.
Jasmin: Okay, so one is about listening is really how to develop actual listening skills so that people feel understood, I think that you know as a psychotherapist you know and also the book is coming from the perspective of being parented right and so, it's the experiences that I had as a child growing up with this extraordinary mommy, but also my desire to be an extraordinary mommy and my own challenges of wanting to be so as new mom. So, it's kind of this child's perspective, but also a new moms perspective, but also a professional psychotherapist perspective so one chapter is all about listening and another chapter is all about embracing adolescents you know how to handle that challenging time and how to have conversations with your kids that are more uncomfortable, but that can foster a real intimacy and connection another one is how to decrease drama in your home and how to be less over reactive and how to be more patient another one is how to be on the same team how to really flow with your kids instead of against them.
Salena: I think as parents we all often flow against decade my child is about to turn ten and it feels like we have a constant battle of everything name it.
Jasmin: Everything, no, true and It's very easy if you don't want to get into the role of no I'm boss you know and trying to kind of I actually didn't even say this in my book because I thought of it after, but to be a detective not a cop you know to try to get to the source of the issues rather than just responding to the symptoms and the end yeah it's a good one right I really like it, but yeah, I mean it's a lot have to do with energy and you know the whole second part of my book is about self-care which is your whole point of this segment I believe which is that in order to be all these things that we want to be and to show up for our kids in this way we need to take care of ourselves because if we're on a level ten of anxiety then any little thing can throw us over the edge. So, it's really about having some fundamental key core practices that help ground us kind of to the bottom of the ocean instead of getting caught up in the waves of life and sorry one more last thing is that it's really about the quality of presents that we have with our kids because there's a lot of go go, go, do, do, do accomplished when in our lives these days and so, it's really about know the quality of my presence is as important if not more important for developing this love and connectedness and confidence with my children than what it is that I do for them.
Salena: Okay, so you know I have to ask your advice here you are the professional and I feel like I need to ask your advice here. I have a few clients and I know that one of the big things that repeatedly pops up for women is this you know requirement whether it's self-imposed or society imposed or you know it is actually imposed that we have to carry everything you know we have to be on top of the social calendar we have to make sure the foods in the fridge for the lunches we have to make sure that there's stuff in the freezer to make the meals we have to work we have to remember when the play date so we have to do a lot of the start and then we you know in all of this we also within ourselves we want to be successful we want to be successful in our careers in our businesses you know with our families we want to be popular with our friends how the freaking hell do you deal with them.
Jasmin: It's so true right, it's a lot I think that we're not really cut out emotionally to, but to handle so much. I think that what it comes down to is prioritizing and delegating and getting clear of what are the things that are really most important and focusing most of your energy on those things. So, if there are ways to delegate to the things that are less important it's do so essentially. But I also think that it is possible right, it's just a matter of being proactive versus reactive in your life, I think that a lot of times there's you're responding to your friends you're spending to your emails you're responding to this there's a lot of reacting and responding and doing things in response to things versus getting really clear of no I am in charge of my time. I am in charge of the way in which I'm going to proceed, I decide what my priorities are for example I just started waking up at six o'clock my kids don't wake up until seven. So, I exercise before they wake up and it has changed my life because prior to that I would wake up when they would I'd see them in the monitor they're calling me in the monitor and I wake up I'm frazzled you know going downstairs haven't brushed my teeth have them wash my face not you know just kind of starting life in this reaction mode of like go fix in it, but now when they wake up I've had a morning already and I've exercised and I've meditated or I've showered and I'm ready to start the day and even in terms of my business I've gotten really proactive of dedicating can you hear me now that the rain is going actually just a bit raining okay dedicating time to my priority. So, I've made lists of know what do I want to accomplish today and this is going to happen first what are the hard things that I'd want to avoid let me do that first I might to do this and I'm putting on the side all of the things that people are asking of me. I’m ignoring my emails I’m ignoring my text messages my ringer is off and you really have to make some very clear boundaries so that you're not being bombarded with all the wants of everybody else so that you can clarify what it is that you want first above all and then when you get that done then you can start dealing with everybody else's.
Salena: I am so on board with you with that one, I have just recently started going to the gym to do Pilates and yoga and I actually said to the lady when I joined I don't want the hard core aerobic stuff like this is just me time to strengthen my body in my own way and I've been going at 07:30 PM at night for the exact reason, I've never been a night person I've always been a morning person, but for the exact same reason that you just said by 07:30 PM in our house dinner's done you know Lana's had a shower the dishes have been done the house has tidied up it's kind of the sit down time. So, I don't feel an obligation to have to be there at 07:30 PM at night everybody can fend for themselves at 07:30 PM at night all my husband has to do is say it's time to go to bed now and I still make it back you know she's just going off to sleep. So, I don't feel like there's anything I have to do.
Jasmin: Right, where is not guilty for…
Salena: Yeah, where is once upon a time, I would do exactly what you did I would get up earlier and I made this decision it you know I don't want to have to get up at five o'clock in the morning because my daughter wakes up at six, so I just flipped it all around and went actually this is the time that's free in my life now. So, I think like what you just said is really important is you have to look at your own life and see what works for you now because what works for me and what works for you Jasmin may not work for the person who's listening because everybody's life is different and all those demands on their time are different.
Salena: So, your point about just getting clear about what you want is like that's the takeaway from far as I'm concerned.
Jasmin: But it not just only what you want and also understand the self-care is the foundation of all of it right so that if you're not solid you're the mother of the foundation of the home your energy is contagious. If you're good everybody is good if you're everybody's happiness, if you're super attractive and throwing things and getting angry and heated about dumb stuff then then that's the vibe that the home is and so, you have to figure out what does it take to keep me sane and what does it take to keep my relationship healthy what does it take to keep this branding in my home and I think that you know coming back to my mother my mother meditated for an hour and day she would wake up a half hour early she'd go to bed a half hour late that was her thing you know she would exercise regularly. There was some core fundamental things that as much as she put us first she also put herself first and there was no guilt around it I remember okay mom's meditating like it was just understood that self-care is a really fundamental practice for everybody and therefore I do it too and I learned that she's the role model for how to take care of yourself because she didn't feel guilty about it.
Salena: This is like putting the oxygen mask on isn't it when you're on the plane you've got to put your own on first in order to be able to look after everybody else.
Jasmin: Exactly and to really do it I think a lot of times we're just tired no like that comes first and if you I don't know if you've known the rocks pebbles sand example of if you look at your day your schedule like a cup or bucket right and you have rocks pebbles and sand you have to put to fit them all in you have to put the rocks in first and then the pebbles and then the sand right because otherwise if you put the sand in first there's no room for any other things and so, essentially self-care is your rocks that goes in first before anything else and then you can fit the other things in, but if you start putting the other things in and you just start reacting to the day and whatever people everybody needs there's no time for you and there's no time to put in those rocks and there's no space for them.
Salena: My naturopath said to me when I was going through a terrible bout of adrenal fatigue she said to me the mother is the barometer and you just say the same thing you are the level that everybody else performs. so if you are the hottest everybody else's world just falls apart and this is just one more of those mental load things I think we carry as mums especially is that you know we have this I don't know burden to live up to that you know now we're the barometer for everybody else right, but you're saying you can take that back you can you can be the barometer and make that a happy place to be if you look after yourself first.
Jasmin: Right and I think down too is just prioritizing you, you know I think that oh well I got to make money, I got to do this, I got to do that don't have time it's too hard is none of those things work unless you're good If you think of like yourself as a house right like the foundation of that home is your self-care, it's your psychological emotional spiritual and physical well-being is that foundation of the home of your personal home you know and also the home that you live in. But if that foundation isn't so than everything else crumbles eventually. So, rather than seeing it as daunting or exhausting or guilty or whatever is getting excited to take care of yourself and understanding that everything else gets better when you do that first.
Salena: So, personal question do you ever feel like you have to live up to the expectations that your mum said?
Jasmin: Yeah, I do it to myself, there's um one of the things that I would write about in my book was think I'm writing about you know all these ways that I want to be an extraordinary mommy, but my voice is in my head is saying well but you don't always do that and that's not, it you don't know is do that and you know like doubting myself and judging myself and all these things and essentially, I think not one of the most fundamental part of the parenting that I received, but it was that it was based in unconditional acceptance and she calls that love right, but it's the acceptance of our humanists, the acceptance of our flaws and imperfections and our growing and our learning and everything is an opportunity for upliftment and growth and so, whenever that voice comes because it definitely does. I also feel grateful that you know the mom's voice becomes your inner voice you know and that's another reason why it's so important for us to get ourselves sorted out because our voice becomes the voice in our kids heads and luckily I got a really awesome inner voice from her which is you're doing great don't worry are you kidding you look how much you're doing you know I have that encouragement and that acceptance and that unconditional love voice that comes naturally through me because I got it my whole life.
Salena: I think that's a really poignant place to stop and say where can people find this book, if they're looking for something?
Jasmin: Well it is not actually available yet it will be available within the month, I believe hopefully probably early September. So, to make sure that you find out when it's available go to my website www.jasminblance.com hope you will write it somewhere on the speech and jasminbalance.com and there is an option to put it in your email address and be inform of book like, but it'll be on Amazon it's gonna be audiobook. I sat in the studio and I read the whole thing I cried in everything it's you know right to the core. So, there's the audiobook, the e-book, there's the hardback cover, the hardback is actually the perfect baby shower gift. So, you can buy a bunch for all of your mommy friends and your pregnant friends because it's beautiful and it's hardback and it's a lovely giftable item as well, but then there's the paperback for your own reading.
Salena: To carry around in your handbag.
Salena: thank you so much for sharing your story and for your insight as well.
Jasmin: Thank you so much for having me I really enjoyed talking to you.
Salena: It's been great listening thank you.
Jasmin: Thank you.